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Archive for the ‘breakup’ Category

cathy

A wild and violent night, when the wind verbally abuses the rooftops and the shrill, anxious voice of the beech trees choruses the angry baritone of the sea against the hills. I’m standing outside again, revelling in the blows and buffets, a willing victim of each salt-spray slap.

Hysterical, in the ‘Cathy and Heathcliff’ not funny sense, so let’s rewind to the beginning.

It always seems to be the little things which start the arguments. This time we started over which actor played Captain von Trapp in The Sound of Music. You couldn’t make up the things which happen in a dysfunctional relationship; they are so funny in a dreadful, twisted way.

I was wrong (about the Captain), not surprisingly as my memory gave out years ago under the black weight of the past, but I can’t believe that I was so stupid, that I opened my mouth at all, that I haven’t learned how much anger can suddenly come out of a tiny, misjudged comment. I stood like a kid who has dropped a match into petrol and watched my world explode.

After the shouting, the accusations, the endless, endless dragging up of vile, decaying moments from our past, there was a haunted calm in which the two exhausted armies stared red-eyed across the battlefield, still strewn with those ugly, dead memories but beneath the wind quiet and sad now, waiting. Finally, we called a truce on all references to the past and met as grownups for the first time in years. We walked that grim war-ground together until two or three am but all we could agree was that there is nothing, nothing but sadness; nothing he wanted or could offer me at all.

So I said goodbye. I moved into the guest bedroom and I brooded through the storm into the long bleak dawn but I still don’t know whether I was throwing one more shot to shock him into standing up and loving me – would that even be possible? Or did I honestly, bravely decide that I lack the strength and patience to live in slavery, waiting for someone to say that I have earned their love? My turn to say those three little words; like him, I don’t know – but now we don’t know alone.

So, after all, this is Wuthering Heights, not The Sound of Music; Maria will not earn the heart of her Captain and however hard the wind blows the hills will be dead and silent forever.

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black hole

Yesterday my husband told me that he does not recall one happy memory from our marriage. Could there be any words in any language from any time to follow that? I had thought that the day I woke up had to be the lowest of my life, but it turned out to be the first step down the long winding staircase from my tower into a dark netherworld I had no idea existed.

How did I feel: There are no words for that either, just a picture; the CGI swirling black hole which always features at the low point of the disaster movie, only inside him, inside me, inside our relationship, pulling in the light, the warmth, the joy, sucking in everything. I didn’t feel. A black hole is a region of space-time from which nothing can escape, even light: I was gone.

Imagine throwing something into the air. The harder you throw, the faster the object is travelling when it leaves your hand and the higher it will go before turning back. If you throw it hard enough it will never return, the gravitational attraction of earth (or me) will not be able to pull it back down. The velocity the object must gain to escape is known as the escape velocity. I think he is throwing his cruelty at me, harder and harder, to try to reach his escape velocity – eventually he’ll throw something so cruel so hard that he’ll break free and never come back.

But in space,as the object travels it is crushed into a smaller and smaller volume, the gravitational attraction increases, and so the escape velocity gets bigger. Things have to be thrown harder and harder to escape. Eventually a point is reached when even light (which travels at 186 thousand miles a second) is not travelling fast enough to escape. At this point, nothing can get out as nothing can travel faster than light. This is a black hole; this is where we are.

Of course, you can’t see a black hole in space (because it absorbs light); science can only tell us that there are good reasons to believe they exist – which, if you are not a scientist, puts black holes high up on the ‘don’t discuss at dinner’ shelf along with deities, ghosts and conspiracy theories. I’m more a believer than a sceptic by nature (otherwise I wouldn’t be going through this!) but in the depths of my darkness, a thought whispered in my ear like a naughty fairy:
What if I just didn’t believe him?

Not believing people isn’t nice. Relationships are built on trust and respect and that involves a commitment to accept what people say at face value, more or less. But there are times when we accept, for good reasons, what someone tells us without actually believing it – when Grandma says she still sees Grandpa sitting by the fire, when your child tells you they have stomach ache and can’t go to school. It doesn’t mean it’s true, it means it’s true for them and it lets you know where they are at that time. Grandma misses Grandpa, Charlie is feeling anxious or afraid;

my husband is a very depressed and angry man.

I need help.

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A brief telephone message is all it takes to unseat a queen. The rock on which I am planted seems very small as the chill water of my broken relationship swirls darkly around my feet. He was at an after work event last night; it must have been a good party as it certainly led to something – ‘a great opportunity’ – and apparently he had to stay in town for another night.

I’m not going where this will lead, I’m not thinking what it’s easy to think. I have a lot on my desk and on my mind too, and when I’m not working I work hard to create a state of mind which keeps the swirling darkness at bay. I play music to keep the edges of my brain busy while I write, but all Spotify offers me is Pink

‘I guess I just lost my husband, I don’t know where he went ..

So what, I‘m still a rock star, I’ve got my own moves and I don’t need you. I’m alright and you’re a tool … and I don’t want you tonight.’

Another powerfully frightening female to shout my frustration for me.

How much help is that?

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