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Archive for the ‘adrift’ Category

It’s nearly Christmas. Somehow I have managed to almost forget, but now the clock is ticking on another challenge to make-it-all-perfect-like-on-the-tv and as I stand in the supermarket I realise that I don’t care, I really don’t care. Not an ‘oh, whatever, anything will do’ sort of lackadaisical carelessness but a frightening deep inability to engage at all with tins of chocolate biscuits, luxury stuffing mix, and bath bubbles for Grandma.

For a few moments I stand in a sort of stunned limbo, a disavowing island in a swirling torrent of trolley-pushing believers. Then I leave, stagger somehow back to the car, and stand purposelessly in the freezing air, frozen more by the enormity of what I have thought.

For my whole life I have believed in the importance, the essentialness, of Christmas, have devoted myself to making Christmas all it should be for the people around me; but this year I don’t care.

I wish I could say that I feel liberated. The truth is that I am unmoored from the things which gave my life shape and meaning, I am adrift and lost and purposeless and loveless.­­

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